My Heart is Bleeding

I am a doctor. Almost every morning I place a stethoscope upon another human chest, searching for murmurs, listening for rhythms, trying to keep hearts from breaking. Today, it is my own heart that is bleeding. Not because I have seen death because we, doctors learn to live with death. Certainly not because I have watched suffering; suffering is the language of our profession.

My heart bleeds because I am watching something even more terrifying than disease. I am watching a nation slowly lose faith in justice. I see students and youth standing on the streets of Delhi, not asking for privilege, not demanding shortcuts, but pleading for something that should have been guaranteed from the beginning – a fair chance. Every stone on Jantar Mantar has learnt a new language – the language of waiting. Waiting for justice. Waiting for answers. Waiting for someone in power to look into the eyes of a generation and simply say, ‘We hear you.’ How many times can a young mind be asked to believe in merit after watching faith itself collapse?

The NEET paper leak was not merely an examination scandal. It was the public execution of trust. Millions study under dim lights. Millions sacrifice birthdays, festivals, childhood itself. Parents sell land. Mothers pawn their jewellery. Fathers work until their hands crack, believing that education is the one path no one can steal. Then came the paper leak. It was not merely a leak. It was a wound. A wound inflicted upon the very idea of merit. And when those wounded children cried out, many felt they encountered not the embrace of a compassionate Republic but the ice-cold language of institutions unwilling to acknowledge the depth of their anguish.

What is a doctor supposed to do? I can transfuse blood. I cannot transfuse hope. I can suture flesh. I cannot stitch together a young mind whose faith has been torn apart. I can prescribe medicines. I cannot prescribe justice. As physicians, we are taught that pain ignored becomes disease. A society is no different. Ignore the pain of its youth, and the disease spreads into every institution. Today education and healthcare are commodities. Medical science itself is a commodity. Education was once described as the great equaliser. Today it is increasingly treated as a marketplace. While schools compete like corporations, universities advertise like brands. It is the rule of the coaching raj. Coaching industries flourish into multi-billion-rupee empires. Hospitals, the sacred institutions of healing, have become investment portfolios. Medical colleges, the places where physicians were once moulded, have become business ventures. Knowledge has become merchandise. Even dreams are becoming commodities. The child of privilege purchases opportunity. The child of poverty purchases hope with hunger. This is not merely the commodification of education. It is the commodification of human possibility.

Everything is for sale. Everything has a price. Except the lives that create the wealth. I entered medicine believing that knowledge was sacred. That healing was sacred. Today I watch coaching factories replace classrooms, corporate hospitals replace compassion, and market value threaten to eclipse human value. But the market has never comforted a mother whose child lost faith in justice. The market has never sat beside a student who spent years preparing for one examination only to wonder whether merit still matters.

And I ask myself: What are we becoming? They tell us this is democracy. I ask: Democracy for whom? They tell us the State is protecting law and order. I ask: Order for whom? I once read somewhere what Tolstoy had said: ‘The power of the State lies in the ignorance of its people.’ I ask myself today: Whose interests does the State ultimately serve?  Who is heard?

Who is ignored? Who receives protection? Who receives barricades?  Is democracy only the freedom to cast a vote every few years? Or is it also the assurance that when millions of young citizens lose confidence in a national examination, their anguish will be met with transparency instead of defensiveness, accountability instead of dismissal, compassion instead of distance? If voices from the streets must first prove their patriotism before they are heard, then democracy has begun to lose its hearing.

Ever since I was a child, I have admired one doctor who heralded a revolution: Ernesto Guevara de la Serna. Che wrote that the true revolutionary is guided by great feelings of love. How profoundly true. Because only love can make another person’s suffering feel like your own. Only love can make a doctor weep for students he has never met. Only love can make strangers stand together in the rain demanding justice for someone else’s child. The revolutionary loves humanity so intensely that injustice becomes unbearable. He cannot walk past suffering as though it were ordinary. He cannot accept a world where children inherit debt instead of opportunity. Where patients inherit invoices instead of healing.

This love must become consciousness, and consciousness must become organised struggle. Tears alone do not change history. Anger alone does not transform society. Only a people who understand the roots of injustice can hope to remove them. Outrage, however righteous, dissolves unless guided by scientific analysis, disciplined organisation, and a correct revolutionary understanding rooted in the interests of the working people.

The task before us is to understand. To organise. To educate. To unite. To build.  The rulers of every age have believed that barricades could stop history. History has always smiled. Because history is not written by barricades. It is written by ordinary people who refuse to surrender hope. Every empire eventually becomes a chapter. Every silence eventually becomes a question. And every question, if it belongs to the people, eventually becomes a movement. Perhaps that is why Delhi cannot sleep. Because beneath its asphalt, beneath its ministries, beneath the marble corridors of power, a generation is asking one simple question that no government, no police force, no marketplace, and no empire has ever been able to silence: If education is not a right but a commodity…if healthcare is not a duty but a business…if democracy listens only to power… then whose Republic is this?

Tonight, Delhi is not merely protesting. Delhi is grieving. And somewhere beneath the slogans, beneath the police barricades, beneath the television debates, beneath the speeches, I hear something quieter. The sound of a generation asking whether honesty still matters. Whether hard work still matters. Whether truth still matters. As a doctor, I know that when a patient says, ‘Doctor, I am in pain,’ the worst diagnosis is not the disease. The worst diagnosis is when nobody believes the patient. That is where my heart breaks. Because I recognise the look in those young faces. It is the look of someone saying”: ‘Please believe my pain.’ I do. I am a doctor. I cannot walk past suffering and pretend not to see it. My oath forbids it. My conscience forbids it. My humanity forbids it. And tonight…my heart is bleeding.

The Humane Touch: Treating the Patient Beyond the Disease

“The ethics of human concerns are indivisibly bound with scientific observations”
– Baruch Blumberg

Today an elderly woman came to my OPD with her daughter and granddaughter. She used to work as a domestic help. A few days ago she had undergone some blood tests. One of them showed that she was Hepatitis B positive. Not liver failure. Not even active disease. An asymptomatic inactive carrier. Someone had seen the report. Then the whispers started.

Soon she was told not to come for work anymore. Jobless, penniless, and in abject despair, she had been running from pillar to post, from this clinic to that hospital just to know what this ‘hepatitis’ was. Something so sinister that had made her already difficult life totally unbearable! As she sat before me, she kept looking at the papers in her hand. Then she asked, almost in a whisper, “Sir, what has happened to me?”

I explained as simply as I could. She listened carefully and nodded. Then she asked another question. This time it was not about Hepatitis B. “Why don’t people touch me?”

I did not know what to say immediately. She went on. “They move away when I sit near them. They tell me not to touch things. Even in hospitals, some people keep a distance after seeing my report.” There was no anger in her voice.

Only bewilderment.

As if she was trying to understand when exactly she had become someone to be feared. Her granddaughter stood beside her, holding the edge of her saree.

Three generations had come to understand a blood test. Instead, they had encountered stigma.

My teacher, Professor Shivaram Prasad Singh, the person who had started the observance of July 28 as World Hepatitis Day for the first time in the world, used to tell us about the pressing need of awareness regarding Hepatitis B.

Long before awareness campaigns became fashionable, he was talking about hepatitis, educating people, fighting myths. He often spoke about his interactions with the person who had discovered the virus itself, Nobel Laureate Professor Baruch Blumberg and about the need to remove the fear surrounding the disease.

Without thinking much, I reached out and held her hand. Then I offered her water from my bottle. She looked surprised. After some hesitation, she drank.

I took the bottle back and drank from it myself.

Not to prove anything. Not to make a point.

It just felt like the natural thing to do. Tears welled up in her eyes.

As she was leaving, her face looked different.

Relieved, perhaps. Not because her Hepatitis B had disappeared. But because for a few minutes she had been treated not as a virus, not as a report, not as a danger. Just as a fellow human being.

After she left, I kept thinking that Hepatitis B is not the only thing people carry. Many carry loneliness. Many carry humiliation. Many carry the burden of being avoided.

The virus is often easier to deal with than the stigma. In medicine, treatment needs to begin with something as simple as a touch. The humane touch.

Red Beard

Bearded man in worn traditional kimono sitting in Japanese interior with wooden elements

I first heard about Red Beard from Dwarika jethu. The story of how I came to know the film is, in itself, partly interesting and partly poignant. Comrade Dwarikanath Rath had always been ‘Dwarika jethu’ to me. As a child, I knew him simply as Sani bhai’s father and the husband of Comrade Binapani Das – our beloved Bina mausi. He had left Odisha and the familiar lanes of Cuttack long ago to work in Gujarat, making Ahmedabad his base for the Party’s activities. Though, for people like him, ‘settling down’ is perhaps the wrong expression. Revolutionaries never really settle anywhere; they merely continue their journey from one battlefield to another.

My acquaintance with him deepened during the final days of Bina mausi’s illness. She was admitted to the ICU, directly opposite my Gastroenterology OPD. Between patients, Dwarika jethu would quietly sit in my chamber, watching me work. He spoke little, observed much. Then one day, almost casually, he said, ‘I see traces of Red Beard in you.’ That was my initiation.

Soon afterwards, Bina mausi passed away. Those were turbulent days. I still remember her funeral and the memorial meeting at Shahid Bhavan. People came in large numbers – cutting across political affiliations, professions, generations, and social identities – to pay homage to a woman whose life had touched so many. But that, perhaps, is a story for another day. And then came Red Beard. Akira Kurosawa had fascinated me long before.

I had watched Rashomon and Seven Samurai, admiring the master storyteller who understood human frailty like few others. But Red Beard was different. It did not merely impress me. It unsettled me. It took my breath away. It left me in the midst of an inner conflict – a conflict that continues to this day. The conflict between what I do and what I ought to do as a doctor. Between what I prescribe and what I am duty-bound to prescribe. Between what I tell my patients and what I ought to tell them. Between the assurances I offer others and the questions my own conscience asks me when the day is over. I blame, without hesitation, this cruel capitalist system for hollowing out the very soul of medicine. A profession built on compassion is increasingly measured in revenue. Suffering has become a market. Illness, a commodity. Hospitals compete where they should care. Yet, amidst this darkness, Kurosawa gave us Red Beard.

Behind the gruff exterior of the old physician flows an inexhaustible river of compassion. His anger is never born of arrogance; it is born of love – love for people who have been abandoned by society. In him, I found the living embodiment of Virchow’s timeless words: ‘Medicine is a social science, and politics is nothing but medicine on a large scale.’ And also the physician as the natural attorney of the poor. Through Yasumoto’s transformation, Kurosawa quietly takes us through society itself – its poverty and privilege, ignorance and wisdom, dignity and degradation, ethics and the frightening erosion of ethics. It is not merely a film about medicine. It is a meditation on what it means to be human. More importantly it is a call for the need to cultivate a new medical ethics, a higher ethics in medicine born out of a higher social ethics.

Long before I encountered Red Beard, I had travelled across the length and breadth of Latin America with two unforgettable companions – Ernesto and Alberto. Along that journey, I too dreamt of becoming a doctor who would serve ordinary people before serving himself. Years have passed. Today, I am a gastroenterologist. But every now and then I ask myself questions.

Have I truly been able to comfort the parents of the young girl with leukaemia who have sold everything they owned and still cannot afford the care she deserves? Have I done enough for the labourer who quietly postpones his much needed endoscopy because missing a day’s wage means his children will sleep hungry? Have I merely treated diseases, or have I stood beside those who suffer? I know the answers are incomplete. I know there is still a long road ahead.

Perhaps that is why Red Beard continues to walk beside me asking me those uncomfortable questions.  It reminds me that medicine is not merely a science to be mastered or a profession to be practised. It is a moral responsibility. A lifelong struggle against disease, certainly – but also against injustice, inequality, indifference, and the silent violence that the system inflicts upon its most vulnerable.

I remembered, one fine day, not long ago, at Prabhabati Bhawan in Cuttack, my friend Sunil had spoken to me about Red Beard. I had listened that day, but perhaps I did not pay enough attention. Thank you, dear Sunil. Thank you, Dwarika jethu. And thank you, Red Beard, for refusing to let my conscience fall asleep.

Life of a vagabond

Tonight, as I close my eyes,
I could think of an Ernesto Guevara
Swimming across the Amazon
For a leper’s touch.
Or, an Albert Schweitzer
By the piano in the Forsaken Land,
Holding a lamp in Lambarene.

But, tonight, as I try to sleep,
I see a pair of icteric eyes,
Gasping breaths,
And perforated intestines,
Crying for Life.
And sinking into Infinity.

Ernesto, I would walk with you a million times, a million miles,
For a million breaths.